As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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