when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
