there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
