That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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