At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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