Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
