i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
