from now on my penis is your penis
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
