Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
