you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
