I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Randomize
