fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
