I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
