I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
