Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
