sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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