fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Who did Billy Mays play for?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
