I can text with my tongue
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
