my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
