Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
