I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize