just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
3 2 1 whiskey
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
