I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
