My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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