where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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