my phone needs a breathalizer
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
