I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
