That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My vagina just recognized that song.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
