A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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