a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
