Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
