My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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