i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
