I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
