i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
