I need to stop coming to work sober
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
