I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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