"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
