also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
