Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
