Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dear god my vagina.
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