I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Drunk is a universal language darling
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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