Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
