You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
