so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
