thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
