Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
