and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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