Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
