I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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