Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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