Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
