Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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