I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
