Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
