omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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