Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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