he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
