I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
