i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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